Creative Studies Ho!

Yessir, Buckaroos and Buckarettes, I received the email of formal congratulations on my acceptance into the Master of Science Degree program! Is this not a moment?, you may sit down and fan yourselves back into consciousness if you like, or remain in pleasant addlement with those perceived twinkling lights you love so much. Catch one!

I am happy, and will kick academic butt. I know I can. The thing is, this whole endeavor better hurry cause time is flying, and today on the way to work in the car, I sneezed. And? You wonder? Oh my dears, I sneezed twice and guess what happened to fat and fifty me? I piddled; spent a penny, as Mom would say. It happens to women when muscle tone drops. Kids, I would tell you things, but my son reads this blog except let me say I used to bounce quarters off my tummy and be able to make change for a ten with my femoral humerus.

So on the grocery list is a reminder to get those nasty little pads that tape to undies, I hate those things. But I need a little insurance in case I sneeze while teaching, for kids love nothing better than pointing out you have wet pants. Like the time I leaned against the class sink while holding up guppies and got a line of water imprinted on the khakis. Har har.

How can I go to college and leak? Impossible. Very difficult surrounded by young things wearing the most disastrous of outfits. O twenties! O fashion crackheads! Their navels appear in the frostiest weather and hiss at the urine-soaked older people. The good thing is that I am often mistaken for a professor, or I fit into the role of Mom within the classroom setting. The professor image has gotten me prime parking, so who am I to shatter someone's disillusion?

I think this calls for celebration, and I think that means buying a bottle of Chanel's Blue Satin nail polish as a most hip friend recommended. I rarely wear nail polish and keep my nails clipped short, but since I am getting bonuses when I sneeze, I will wave my trendy blue fingernails for distraction. "Oh, she is wearing the latest! How clever! That can't possibly be a spot of urine on her pants, the dear must have sat on a nugget of snow. Smart people don't piddle on themselves."

But oh yes they do; any smart person will tell you that the best way to get out of conversation with an emotional vampire is to pee yourself a little. The leech will steer far away from you and beg attention elsewhere. God forbid they have to take care of anyone else but themselves. See? This is a secret of the old, something many Westerners have climbed Tibetan mountains to find out. And here you have it at an early age without dragging an oxygen tank up a steep slope.

Gosh, I am too excited to sleep; you will have to do it for me. The wind is whipping around the corners of the building and the night is starless and filled with low clouds. Milk, I shall find a glass of milk for tomorrow is a busy day. Good night. Send wishes out. I will too.