Who Was Never

Last night just after midnight, my brother called to say that Dad was taken to the hospital and wasn't expected to make it.  This morning I got the news that he had died around 6:20 a.m.

It's not news to many that my relationship with my father was not good.  He was an angry alcoholic who was dictator, loudmouth, and spoiled-brat king of the house.  After Mom died in 1999, I didn't see him for eight years until hearing that he stopped drinking and then visited him once a week to see what he needed.  These visits went on for two years until I couldn't do it anymore and estranged myself again for another few years knowing it was better for my health.  The knots in my stomach never stopped, and I would be sure, when he was still able to walk, to have a safe exit open if he lunged at me.

He was funny in rare times, mathematically brilliant, and missing many screws.  I am hopeful that he has found some sort of peace after all.  I hope he has a chance to reconcile with himself, and learn that there was a foundation of decency that took a wrong turn.  Goodbye, Dad.  See you later.  It will be better.  Love.  I wish you loved m...