Ring In the New

Just be sure that you are ready; flying willy-nilly into a half-baked idea costs time, can present bottomless regrets, but teaches your ass to prepare and keep both eyes open.  Taking chances seems to be encouraged, how often have you heard that career-wise you should follow your heart?  Well, good luck, philosophy degree; nice knowing you, Liberal Arts; you'll be working somewhere soon, but most likely not in your area of choice; scrabbling for medical benefits will become your mantra, as will paying off whatever student loan lingers.  And it will harangue you, like Marley's ghost rattling chains at the beginning of each month, sliding the icy grip of frustration around your heart.  If it weren't for this, you could get a car.  A home.  Go on a trip.  Breathe. 

Do I regret college, the master's degree?  Sometimes.  I will never make enough money in this poor district to pay back the loan until I am 85; the thing to do is get a second job.  Invest in getting my art out there within its limited audience.  But going to school helped me, helped my self-image after being told I wasn't smart enough by one particular entity; well, I missed summa cum laude by four tenths of a point, but will gladly accept magna just as happily.  Smart?  I'm smart.  I could wrap my brain around your neck and start you up like a lawnmower.

I wasn't prepared to support my son and myself adequately with the little education that I had when leaving the marriage.  Regrets on the divorce?  Only that I didn't borrow the money for a lawyer and went the route of a mediator as I wanted to be out as fast as possible.  Gave up a lot, said the lawyer who reviewed the paperwork, but at the time there was no time.  How could I have been ready?  To me, marriage wasn't supposed to be a competition, a place where an emergency hatch was necessary; was that naive?  Warning signs were everywhere, yet I clung to the image of helping in hope that it would be good enough.  I had little security as it was, how could it have been any worse the other side of the signed papers?  Would have been better having a source of substantial income had I gained a degree earlier in life.

But woulda, coulda, shoulda.   Just examine your motives, are you escaping and have a place to stay?  Are there accommodations for your kids and pets?  Can you support yourself, or do you still have to rely on the potential ex's money?  What about health insurance?  Food?  If the situation is dangerous, get out immediately; if not, find what is out there to help you, and let me tell you, not much.  You had better learn how to take care of yourself, for jumping into a new situation without a way for you to support yourself is difficult but not impossible. 

Women file for divorce more often than men, with the most cited reason being neglect.  Indifference.  Becoming strangers to each other.  Not physical abuse or alcoholism, but being ignored.  Is this such a great demand, to be able to trust, feel emotional availability, thoughtfulness?  To participate in each others' lives?  Find out which part is missing, learn what you need, and find out what you need to do to grow into the next phase of life.  Don't depend on anyone else to do what you must for yourself; it's a battle, but you will gain a self-confidence that will carry you through to safety.

But tonight, this winter night, each of us tuck in, settle, let go.  Let go of every influence that takes you away from becoming, that is a cover for the deeper issues inside.  You know what they are, you can face them and put forth resolution under your own steam.  You can, you are wonderful, marvelous, a force of life made of the carbon which built the stars.  See yourself in them.  Sleep, now.  I will watch over.