Dermscam

My rent check bounced.  After living here for 18 years, a check bounced.  What on earth, I am not good with money and have a tendency to buy surprises for people which is part of the Sagittarian code of Whee.  I don't understand budgeting, or want to; but I do keep track of expenditures and check in on my bank account every two weeks or so.  Payments are timed to pay stubs, and everyone gets paid.

Yesterday, a letter arrived stating that a $25 fee was slapped on to this embarrassed check, and that for the next six months, my rent would have to be paid via money order.  Not a life-changing event, but an inconvenience and was my credit sullied?  The credit union had not fined me, no additional charge was added to my account so far.  But what the heck happened?

Dermlove and Dermbright, that's what happened.  For the prices of $98.31 and $92.23 charged to my debit card, two jars of miracle foo-foo creme that will turn an aging face into velvet dewiness kissed by kitten fairies were sent to someone who used my card number.  In April and May, so this happy crook was enjoying $400 of my paycheck.  Oh ho ho.  And that is why my check bounced like a fat baby with a Fudgcicle.

Never ordered the stuff, never read anything about either product, and would rather stick my finger into a pencil sharpener than buy anything with a stupid name like Dermlove.  My face is not that bad that it needs a $100 jar of radiant idiocy, and for what they've snagged from me, a couple hundred dollars more would get one--or two with a Groupon, vials of Juvederm.  For all anybody knows, Mrs. Flopsybottom is filling jars in her garage with dollar store lotion, that's if any creme du walrus fat was sent anywhere at all.  It's ethereal and mysterious, the 800 numbers for each don't answer or will click off, and the only sign is the gentle ebbing of my bank account.

The credit union was wonderful, and gave me the payback phone number for reimbursement; I closed the old card and will wait out the ten days before the new one arrives, any transactions will take place with a check or ye olde paper and coin currency.  It was sad to see my debit card be cut up with scissors, it was like losing a small pet, like maybe a goldfish or a plant.

That whole day was a minor hell, starting out with me learning that a smoke detector will go off if your shower is steamy, and that stumbling out of the bathroom to see if anything is on fire should be done calmly.  I knocked over the clothing steamer, managed to crash and dislodge the toilet seat, had to pull the alarm off the wall because the silencer button was not working, and dislodge the battery before the thing shut up.  No cats were seen until later in the day, in spite of the morning aroma of Sea Captain's Choice cracking open.

Then, that afternoon while I was in a meeting, one of my kids had a melt down.  Let's call him Frangipani.  He is not nice, his mother has spoiled him to the point that his brain is a syrupy, odious sludge; pencils, crayons, papers were thrown, and his delight in performance was punctuated by his yelling guttural sounds every few minutes while stomping in circles.  After I appeared in the door and heard the news, he sat and watched me, to make sure I wasn't going to peel my skin off and emerge as Gorgonzola the Clouded One.  Okay, Frangipani, I will think of a consequence.  We organized, got information straightened out, (YOU DID WHAT???), and the kids got their backpacks and coats.  Put your chairs up, walkers line up.

"Ms. Coburn, there's a puddle under Frangipani!  He peed himself!" Frangipani, who was looking right at me.  Aw, come on.  I just came from a meeting where we were instructed to get technologically ready for iPads and teaching kids in circles next year.  I'm tired, you're tired, for heaven's sake, no more drama.  I know, I know, there is a tangle inside of the child, but for all the blather about teacher responsibility, is there an adequate team of counselors at the school?  Do children receive state mandated treatment or support?  Har de har har, Alice.  I spoke to his mother when she picked him up, and revisited old Frangipani this morning.  And we keep going. And then my check bounced and Dermbright ran to the car, pulled out of the driveway, and went to the casino with my four hundred bucks.

The air remains spring fresh, it's now dark but there are birds still calling, I'm here, I'm here!  A breeze pushes into the kitchen window, knocking the wind chimes about and filling the apartment with the cool night.  It's time for bed, take yourself in, gather children, dogs, cats, each other and latch the door, turn out the lights.  Let visions enter your sight, entertain angels.  Sleep well, sleep safe.  Good night.