You Want One, You Know You Do

Summertime, when one wishes everyone else were blind so that you could walk around naked except for a loin cloth or penis gourd, whichever is applicable, take your pick. I am just tossing out some knowledge that I have on penis gourds, having taken an Anthropology course from a professor who did field work in the second most savage place found in Papua New Guinea. Studying in the Most savage place would probably have gotten his head knocked off and smoked like jerky.

The people are terrific, from all accounts, yet fight to free their country from the government of Indonesia and Australian control. Instead of calling you a mommafugginger, they call you a dogfugginger. I'm sorry, I just can't type it...was it Norman Mailer that used the word fug? You fugging fuggedy fugger! Where's Carlin when you need him?

I enjoyed the images of dress, the costumes, the expanse of hair and wigs that acclaim status, the paint, the mud daubing, the seashells used for wear and money, and the penis gourd idea. Really, get over it...some tribes use thin ones, other groups prefer large ones that need to be tied. Some curl. Not only a safe place for your penis, but ample enough for tobacco and money. If you go onto the web in search of buying one for around the house, avoid the "authentic" gourdmongers who will try to get sixty of your hard earned dollah dollahs plus shipping for the shoddiest piece of mummery this side of Irian Jaya. The dogfuggingers.

And here is a first: there are no penis gourds to be had on eBay. I was surprised, frankly, and so cannot recommend any reliable merchants or traders for you to barter with. My best advice is either to grow your own or talk to the lady who has a gourd farm near Seagrove, Florida, in the panhandle. I'm sure she's not shy and would love to sell you something. Then, add a bit of string, red is great, and tie one on so to say. Just don't come near my house, I'll set the cats on you.

The jungle calls, the orchids desire to be put behind an ear. Climb into your hut after the stars are out, and bundle into the hammock. Night flowers open, releasing profuse witchery. Be happy. Be well.